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Why it feels hard · Lesson 2 of 10

How Many Hours It Takes to Make a Friend

See roughly how many hours turn an acquaintance into a friend, which time counts most, and how to plan for those hours.

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THE WRITTEN LESSONFollow along at your pace

Many people think friendship is about being likeable, funny or outgoing. Research on how friendships form points somewhere more practical: time. In this lesson you will see how many hours it takes to turn someone you have just met into a friend, which kind of time counts most, and what that means for your week.

The numbers

Researchers asked adults who had just moved to a new city, and students in their first weeks at university, about the people they had met. Going from acquaintance to casual friend took about 50 hours together. Becoming a real friend took about 90. And a close friend took more than 200 hours.

These numbers come from a University of Kansas study of how long it takes to make a friend. Treat them as a rough guide, not a rule. They describe people in a new place who had time and reasons to meet.

A bar split into three parts: 50 hours, 90 hours and 200+ hours. Below, three pairs of people are labeled Casual friend about 50 hours, Friend about 90 hours and Close friend 200+ hours. A tag above says People who had just moved.(opens the full-size picture)
Three stages of friendship, and roughly how many hours each took.

Which time counts

Not every hour counts the same. Time spent hanging out, joking around and playing together made the difference. Hours spent working side by side counted much less. So a colleague you sit next to all day can stay an acquaintance, until you share some free time.

Two cards. On the left, two people working at separate desks with a small clock, labeled Working side by side and Counts less. On the right, two people chatting over coffee with a big clock, labeled Free time together and Counts most. A tag reads Share some free time.(opens the full-size picture)
Shared free time counts most. Working side by side counts less.

A small example

You and a colleague may sit in the same office all week. A single shared lunch can do more for the friendship than another day of sitting at neighboring desks.

Moving up a stage

The study found something else. When two people moved from one stage of friendship to the next, they often doubled or tripled the time they spent together. For example, two people who meet for one hour a week might start meeting for two or three hours.

Friendships grow when someone makes room for more time, not just when they happen to meet.

A short grey bar labeled 1 hour a week next to a tall green bar labeled 2 to 3 hours, with the text 2x to 3x. Beside them a week from Monday to Sunday has coffee cups on three days, and a tag reads Make room for more time.(opens the full-size picture)
Moving up a stage often means making room for more time together.

Without time, friendships fade

Time works the other way too. When contact stops, friendships usually fade, slowly and without anyone deciding it. That is not anyone’s fault. It is simply what happens when the hours dry up. Dunbar’s Number covers this in more detail.

A wilting plant in a pot above four boxes labeled Week 1 to Week 4. Beside it a red line chart titled Closeness falls as weeks pass, with a tag that says Nobody's fault.(opens the full-size picture)
Like a plant that is not watered, a friendship fades when the hours stop.

A better question

These numbers are rough. They come from people in a new place, who had time and reasons to meet. But they change the question. Instead of asking “Am I likeable enough?”, ask “Where can I get the hours?” That is a problem you can plan for.

A thought bubble with the crossed-out question Am I likeable enough? A large clock sits beside the green question Where can I get the hours? A week with clocks on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday is shown, and a tag reads Rough guide, not a rule.(opens the full-size picture)
Swap a question about you for a question about your week.

YOUR TURN

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Read the full lesson script

Welcome back. In this lesson, you'll see how many hours it really takes to turn someone you've just met into a friend, which kind of time counts most, and what that means for your week.

Researchers asked adults who had just moved to a new city, and students in their first weeks at university, about the people they'd met. Going from acquaintance to casual friend took about fifty hours together. Becoming a real friend took about ninety. And a close friend took more than two hundred hours.

Not every hour counts the same. Time spent hanging out, joking around and playing together made the difference. Hours spent working side by side counted much less. So a colleague you sit next to all day can stay an acquaintance, until you share some free time.

The study found something else. When two people moved from one stage of friendship to the next, they often doubled or tripled the time they spent together. Friendships grow when someone makes room for more time, not just when they happen to meet.

Time works the other way too. When contact stops, friendships usually fade, slowly and without anyone deciding it. That isn't anyone's fault. It's simply what happens when the hours dry up.

These numbers are rough. They come from people in a new place, who had time and reasons to meet. But they change the question. Instead of asking, am I likeable enough, ask, where can I get the hours? That's a problem you can plan for.

So remember: a casual friend takes about fifty hours, and a close friend more than two hundred. Free time together counts much more than working side by side. And friendships fade when the hours stop. Before the next lesson, name two people you'd like to know better, and estimate how many hours you spend with each in a month. Next, you'll find places where you'll see the same people again and again.