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Getting closer · Lesson 7 of 10

Go Deeper in Friendships and Put the Phone Away

Move past small talk by sharing a little more in turns, listen so people feel understood, and keep your phone from getting in the way.

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THE WRITTEN LESSONFollow along at your pace

You have made an invitation, and you are spending time together. Now the question is how to move past small talk. This lesson shows you how to share a little more, listen so people feel understood, and stop your phone from getting in the way.

Share a bit more, in turns

Closeness grows in small steps, when both people share about the same amount. In one experiment, pairs took turns answering questions that slowly became more personal. After forty-five minutes, they felt closer than pairs who only made small talk. You can do a relaxed version in daily life: start light, then go one step deeper each time.

A staircase of five question cards rising from Favourite food, Weekend plans and Best day this year to Something you're proud of and A worry you have. On the right, two people say My turn and Your turn next to a 45 minutes clock, above two bars: a tall green one for Gradual sharing and a short one for Small talk only.(opens the full-size picture)
Questions get more personal one step at a time, and both people take turns.

Real, not heavy

You do not need to tell your life story. Share something real but light: a small worry about a new job, a small win, or something you are looking forward to. Then ask back. If the other person opens up, match them, not much more and not much less. Matching keeps the sharing balanced, so neither of you feels exposed.

Two cards. The left one, in red, shows a stack of papers with a cross and the words Your whole life story. The right one, in green, says One real, light thing with three chips: A small worry, A small win and Looking forward to. Below, a level scale sits between the words Then ask back and Match them.(opens the full-size picture)
One real, light thing is enough. Then ask back.

Listen to understand

When they share, listen properly. active listeningactive listening: Listening to grasp a message from the speaker's point of view, including how they feel about it, then saying it back in your own words and checking you have it right before giving your view. The term comes from Carl Rogers and Richard Farson.Full entry in the glossary has five simple habits:

  1. Give them your full attention.
  2. Notice the feeling, not just the facts.
  3. Check that you have understood, in your own words.
  4. Ask what happened next.
  5. Hold back advice until they feel understood.

In the research behind this, people felt more understood when listeners did these things than when they gave advice.

Five numbered steps with small drawings: Full attention, Notice the feeling, Check in your own words, What happened next and Hold the advice. On the right, two bars under the title Felt understood show Listening as a tall green bar and Advice as a short pale one.(opens the full-size picture)
Five listening habits, and listening beats advice for feeling understood.

The phone gets in the way

Phones make all of this harder. In a restaurant study, friends who kept their phones on the table felt more distracted and enjoyed the meal less than friends who put them away. Being ignored for a phone, sometimes called phubbing, can also make people feel that they belong less.

Two café tables. The left one, in red and labelled Phones on the table, shows two people with eyes down and phones between the cups, with a short red Enjoyment bar. The right one, in green and labelled Phones away, shows two smiling people talking, with a tall green Enjoyment bar. Below, a person with a phone and a sad face are labelled They feel they belong less.(opens the full-size picture)
Phones on the table, lower enjoyment. Phones away, higher enjoyment.

Simple phone habits

You do not need a strict rule. Three small habits are enough:

Three numbered habits. One: a phone in a bag, labelled Out of sight, in a bag or pocket. Two: a speech bubble I'm expecting one call, labelled Say so at the start, then check it once. Three: two phones with one crossed out, labelled Don't phone back.(opens the full-size picture)
Out of sight, say so at the start, and do not phone back.
  • Put your phone out of sight, in a bag or pocket, for time that matters.
  • If you are waiting for something important, say so at the start, and check it once.
  • If the other person picks up their phone, do not reply by picking up yours.

YOUR TURN

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Read the full lesson script

Welcome back. You've made an invitation, and you're spending time together. In this lesson, you'll learn how to move past small talk, listen so people feel understood, and keep your phone from getting in the way.

Closeness grows in small steps, when both people share about the same amount. In one experiment, pairs took turns answering questions that slowly became more personal. After forty-five minutes, they felt closer than pairs who only made small talk.

You don't need to tell your life story. Share something real but light: a worry about a new job, a small win, something you're looking forward to. Then ask back. If they open up, match them, not much more and not much less.

When they share, listen properly. Give them your full attention. Notice the feeling, not just the facts. Check that you've understood, in your own words. Ask what happened next. And hold back advice until they feel understood. People felt more understood when listeners did this than when they gave advice.

Phones make this harder. In a restaurant study, friends who kept their phones on the table felt more distracted and enjoyed the meal less than friends who put them away. And being ignored for a phone makes people feel they belong less.

So put the phone out of sight, in a bag or pocket, for time that matters. If you're waiting for something important, say so at the start, and check it once. And if the other person picks up their phone, don't reply by picking up yours.

So remember: closeness grows when both people share a little more, in turns. Listen to understand, and hold back advice. And keep your phone out of sight when the time matters. Before the next lesson, at your next meet-up, put your phone away, share one small real thing, and ask one deeper follow-up question. Next, you'll see why old friends and familiar faces count.