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Keeping friends · Lesson 9 of 10

How to Keep Friendships Alive: Simple Rhythms That Work

See how many close friends people can keep, why friendships drift, and how weekly or monthly rhythms keep them going.

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THE WRITTEN LESSONFollow along at your pace

Making a friend is one half of the job. Keeping them is the other. This lesson shows how many close friends people can really keep, why friendships drift, and how simple rhythms keep them going without much planning.

Circles of friends

Most people have only a handful of very close people, the ones they would call in a crisis. Around them sits a wider circle of good friends, and then many more friendly faces. Most of our social time goes to the two closest circles. These numbers are rough averages, not rules, so do not worry if your circles look different.

Three nested circles of small faces. The inner circle holds five yellow faces labelled A handful in a crisis, the middle one Good friends, and the dashed outer ring Friendly faces. A pie chart with a large dark slice is labelled Most time: two closest circles, with a note Rough averages, not rules.(opens the full-size picture)
A few close people, more good friends, and many friendly faces.

Friendships drift

Without effort, close friendships drift. In one study that followed young people for a year and a half after they left school, only about half of the friends who started in their closest circle were still there at the end. Family ties held up better. The friendships that lasted were the ones people kept putting time into. It was a small group, so take it as a pointer.

A circle with six yellow faces labelled Start, an arrow, and a second circle labelled 18 months with only three faces inside and three pale faces drifting outside. The label reads Only about half stay. A house with a heart is labelled Family held up better, and green text says Kept putting time in.(opens the full-size picture)
Only about half of the closest friends stayed close after 18 months.

Talking or doing

People kept friendships going in different ways. Some mostly talked, on calls or over coffee. Others mostly did things together, like sport or a project. Both worked. Pick the way that suits each friendship, and it is fine if it differs from one friend to the next.

Two cards with check marks. Talking shows two people with speech bubbles, a phone and a coffee cup, labelled On calls or over coffee. Doing things together shows two people with a ball and a running shoe, labelled Sport or a project. A label below reads Both work.(opens the full-size picture)
Talking and doing things together both keep a friendship going.

Rhythms, not big gestures

The easiest way to keep a friendship is a rhythm you do not have to organise each time. A standing weekly call. A monthly walk. A yearly trip. Put it in your calendar as a repeating date, and protect it like any other appointment.

A card titled A rhythm lists Weekly call with a phone, Monthly walk with a shoe and Yearly trip with a suitcase. Next to it, a card titled Every Friday shows four weekly rows marked on Friday with a loop arrow labelled Repeats. A yellow label reads Protect it like any appointment.(opens the full-size picture)
A repeating date does the organising for you.

Show up when it is hard

Friendships also grow in hard times. When a friend is ill, grieving or struggling, a short message, a meal, or simply being there matters a great deal. For example: “Thinking of you. Can I bring dinner on Friday?” Support works both ways. In one small study, men who had a best friend with them before a stressful task had a calmer stress response, though one small study is only a pointer.

A person at a desk with a sad face in a thought bubble, labelled Ill or struggling, a phone message that says Thinking of you, can I bring dinner on Friday, and a person with a meal labelled A meal. On the right, a Stress response chart shows a tall red bar for Alone and a shorter green bar for With a best friend. A label reads Support works both ways.(opens the full-size picture)
A short message or a meal counts, and support helps both people.

YOUR TURN

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Read the full lesson script

Welcome back. Making a friend is one half of the job. Keeping them is the other. In this lesson, you'll see how many close friends people can really keep, why friendships drift, and how simple rhythms keep them going.

Most people have only a handful of very close people, the ones they'd call in a crisis. Around them sits a wider circle of good friends, and then many more friendly faces. Most of our social time goes to the two closest circles. These numbers are rough averages, not rules.

Without effort, close friendships drift. In one study that followed young people for a year and a half after leaving school, only about half of the friends who started in their closest circle were still there at the end. Family ties held up better. The friendships that lasted were the ones people kept putting time into.

People kept friendships going in different ways. Some mostly talked, on calls or over coffee. Others mostly did things together, like sport or a project. Both worked. Pick the way that suits each friendship.

The easiest way to keep a friendship is a rhythm you don't have to organise each time. A standing weekly call. A monthly walk. A yearly trip. Put it in the calendar as a repeating date, and protect it like any other appointment.

Friendships also grow in hard times. When a friend is ill, grieving, or struggling, a short message, a meal, or simply being there matters a great deal. Support works both ways: in one small study, men who had a best friend with them before a stressful task had a calmer stress response.

So remember: most people have only a handful of very close friends, and friendships drift without time. Talking and doing things together both keep them going. And regular rhythms beat big gestures. Before the next lesson, pick two friends, and put a repeating date in your calendar for each. Next, you'll make your friendship plan.